I'm Brissed!!!

An open letter to my parents.

Hey Mom and Dad! There's something I've been meaning to discuss with you for sometime now. Dad, I know you're dead, but I'm not going to let that technicality stop me. I've been internalizing my anger about this subject for too long and I can't hold it back any longer. Let's talk infant mutilation or as most people know it-circumcision. More specifically, my circumcision. Why do we still practice this barbaric ritual? I realize that Jews get circumcised because of their covenant with God and I respect that. But hey, as you well know, I'm not Jewish! I'm hasian(half-asian)! Therefore I need every bit of the genital real estate you gave to me. But no, you want to be an indian giver and take some back... with a knife. Another item I need elucidation on. Most children get circumcised as an infant. In your infinite wisdom, you decided my penis, like a fine bordeaux, should age 6 years before being popped open. I remember coming out of the anesthesia and looking at my exposed penis. It was black and blue and crusty. It seemed as if the doctor had cut off my penis and replaced it with a piece of poo. Oh, and the fun didn't end there. Once I got home, a cream had to be rubbed on my poo friend every couple of hours. Mom did a wonderful job at that. How was I supposed to walk away from that experience emotionally unscarred?

Why would you mess with Mother Nature? That foreskin is there for a reason. For one, it acts as a nozzle to ensure that my pee goes where I aim my penis. Without that nozzle, my urine has a mind of it's own. Especially in the morning. It goes left or right. Sometimes both directions at the same time. It's shot straight up on a few occasions and I had the pleasure of a taste. Thanks!!
The foreskin also gives an extra layer of padding for the sensitive tip of the head. I guarantee I could go an extra 3 to 5 seconds in bed if I had that foreskin back.

So Mom and Dad, thanks for the therapy sessions, the unique culinary experiences, and the ridicule from members of the opposite sex.

Your loving Son,

Troy